5 Things I Shouldn’t Have Bothered Googling

Posted by Daniel on December 14, 2012
1. Entry: “When is the world going to end?”

Findings: According to markbeast.com, the world will end in the fall of 2015. According to december212012.com, it will end—you guessed it—December 21, 2012. Either way, you better act fast. Apocalypse survival kits range in price from $349 to $24,000. They are not covered by insurance.

It was also going to end in 1306, 1843, 1891, 1910, 1982, 1997, and Y2K, to name a few. My conclusion: It will end some time between soon and never, but humankind’s lunacy is truly immortal, and whatever new life springs up from Earth’s ashes will likely follow suit.

2. Entry: “Has anyone ever fallen out of a plane and lived?”

Findings: According to the laws of physics, the recurring dream I have, where I’m able to catch the wind just right and make a smooth landing, is not possible. However, there are a couple of documented cases of people falling at terminal velocity, hitting the earth, and living. It doesn’t matter whether you fall 2,500 feet or 30,000 feet, because you’ll be moving at the same speed, regardless. Take my word for it. Don’t try it yourself.

3. Entry: “Cool two-syllable words”

Findings: “Myriad” is on the list of Beautiful Words at dailywritingtips.com. But it has three syllables. It is pronounced ˈmir-ē-əd and it means “a great number.”

From this search, I got an idea for a creative exercise. Write something, then replace every noun and adjective with a synonym from thesaurus.com, even if you don’t fully know the synonym’s connotations. Then I tried it, but found myself resenting the pretentious turd who wrote it. I mean, seriously. He clearly has no idea what he’s talking about. He denied it at first, but I saw through his facade, and finally he conceded that there was nothing creative about this creative exercise.

But yeah, anyway, myriad is a cool word. You should learn to pronounce it.

4. Entry: “Santa is a lie”

Findings: Santa is a gateway to hell, according to this random guy’s angelfire page (aptly named). I laughed. Then I remembered that, as a kid, I would occasionally pray to Santa Claus. “Please, Santa, don’t bring me a bag of switches.” It’s not that I was worried about not getting toys; I just didn’t want to bring shame to my family. Okay, I also didn’t want to get whooped with a switch on Christmas Day.

Christmas trees, snowmen, Santa, elves, reindeer, mistletoe. I get as nostalgic as the next guy when I smell a dying Frasier Fir. But none of these things really say what Christmas is all about.

Now, let’s see how much crap we can stuff in our shed before we need a new shed. “Dear Santa, Please get me a shed and a yard to put it in. I have too much crap.”

5. Entry: “How to achieve immortality

Findings: I will be dead by the time they figure that out.

Merry Christmas.